The Life I'm Forced To Live

stuff from julie's blog... tests... that shit

2006-01-02T20:38:00.000-08:00

Your Heart Is Green

Love completes you, but that doesn't mean you seek it out.When love comes your way, you integrate it peacefully into the rest of you life.
Your flirting style: Laid back
Your lucky first date: Walking around aimlessly and talking
Your dream lover: Is both enthusiastic and calm
What you bring to relationships: Balance

What Color Heart Do You Have?

You Have a Phlegmatic Temperament

Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace.You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions.You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected.
It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional.You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others.While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well.
At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything.You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams.You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment.

What Temperment Are You?

You Are a Martini

There's no other way to say it: you're a total lush.You hold your liquor well, and you hold a lot of it!

What Mixed Drink Are You?

Candy Cigarettes

You're a total badass, but you don't taste very good.

What Kind of Candy Are You?

Your Reputation Is: Mystery Girl

You're the girl that everyone is trying to figure out.Men are attracted to your intriguing persona - and women want to copy it!

What's" Your Reputation?

You Are a Normal Girl

You are 40% Good and 60% BadSure you've pulled some bad girl stunts in your past.But these days, you're (mostly) a good girl.

Are You a Good Girl or a Bad Girl?

HAHAHA!!!!!! I TOLD u i wasnt bad... gosh

You Are Chocolate Caramel Kiss Lip Gloss

Saying that you're one of a kind is ... well ... an understatement.You're unusual, quirky, wacky - and you love to challenge people.
And you are a total trendsetter. Your friends are quick to copy your fashion and music tastes.Which is why chocolate caramel is your perfect flavor. It's as rare and outrageous as you are.

What Flavor Lip Gloss Are You?

Your Vibe is Super Sexy

You feel 100% sexy at almost any momentAnd this inner sexiness really does boost your appealYou're confident, playful, and outgoingYou know what you have to offer - and you're proud of it!

How Sexy Is Your Vibe?

hmm.... w/e.... *looks absolutely confused*

You Are Bad Girl Sexy

Girl, you are nothing but trouble. And that's hot.You've got the classic bad girl sexiness mojo going on.And your badass attitude makes men fear you - and crave you.Don't give into people who say to tone it down. You're perfect as is.

What Kind of Sexy Are You?

oh common... and i thought i got to be normal ... *sighs* o well, not like its a bad thing..... *winks*

Hey Dudes that went to school

2005-09-13T09:43:00.000-07:00

hehehe i didnt. i'm at home ... sick.... wich sux, but atleast i'm home.... i wish i had some tylenol.... but blegh. so now i'm sitting here listening to solitude and snuggling with lazy fredrick. this song is so .... awesome.... but sad....but great..... but crappy....

o well. i'm just here to tell yall that i actually am sick and that's why i'm not attending school today. lofl.

SUCKERS.

Sticks Tounge Out

2005-07-06T13:22:00.000-07:00

Hello,
*proper voice* How are you today? I'm doing quite fine. I'm listening to very pleasant music and ready to take on the world
*normal voice* now if by quite fine i meant, fcking tired and worn ou, and by 'pleasant music' i mean marilyn manson, Killswitch Engage, and otherrock/ metal, and if by 'ready to take on the world' i mean curl up in my room- then that would b entirely right!!!

hehe. 'flesh and bone by the telephone... lift up the receiver i'll make u a believer' 'for comfort for silence for the end of my broken heart' hehe. awesome songs ya know. talk about mood lighteners. *laughs uncontrolably for no aparent reason* 'i'm a black rainbow... i'm an ape of god... a rebel from the waste down.... i wanna ty mom i wanna ty dad.....' disposable teens.... of course, more manson. i wish i could type faster- then i wouldnt have to have all the stupid
dot-dot-dots. *bounces head around* 'in this hole that is me - the dead are rolling over' -mudvayne- happy. well, this post was seriously crappy and pointless so i'm going to stop b4 i break out killer confettie (dont ask)

Elaine

Silly Society

2005-06-16T00:14:00.000-07:00

these r old lyrics... but i LOVE them

Cut my life into piecesI've reached my last resort, suffocation, no breathingDon't give a fuck if I cut my arms bleedingDo you even care if I die bleedingWould it be wrong, would it be rightIf I took my life tonight, chance are that I mightMutilation out of sight and I'm contemplating suicideCause I'm losing my sight, losing my mindWish somebody would tell me I'm fineNothing's alright, nothing is fineI'm running and I'm cryingI never realized I was spread too thinTill it was too late and I was empty withinHungry, feeding on chaos and living in sinDownward spiral, where do I beginIt all started when I lost my motherNo love for myself and no love for anotherSearching to find a love upon a higher levelFinding nothing but questions and devilsCause I'm losing my sight, losing my mindWish somebody would tell me I'm fineNothing's alright, nothing is fineI'm running and I'm cryingI can't go on living this way

hehe, they're awesome..... even tho on the song u can barely understand them

hehehehehe

awesomeness

Kobi... This Is All I Have To Say

2005-06-04T19:35:00.000-07:00

ever known in your heart that u didnt mean a thing? ever felt the feeling of utter guilt, betrayal, misery, and distress 4 so long u just wanted 2 drain it all away? well that's y. bcuz i have.

and i would say so much more.... but i dont think i can.

My Current Situation

2005-05-31T17:32:00.000-07:00

This is a post 4 Kris and whoever else cares. i say it's 4 kris cuz i told her i would post crud on my blog... TA DA

ok, so heres the thing.... i like JD, and i told Meet that. he got mad. then the next day he asked kris out. i dont think it's cuz he was getting back at me... but more, he liked her b4, and liked me as well, then when i had liked some1 else, he was comfortable asking kris out. i think they're the cutest couple, and i'm surprized that it didnt happen sooner

well, more bout JD. i like his personality. He;s cute, minus the nose, wich isnt horrible. But i'm not HEAD OVER MY HEELS, i just like him. quite a bit. not A LOT, not like i'm obsessed, but on the scale of 1-10 probably 8... my other b/f's were 10 or +, but hey, i thought i was in love w. them. and i think that right now, a light going, EZ, not in LOVE w. each other, cute, relationship would b best.

ok, theres also chance. i just adore him. he's really........ lovable. but i luv him in a diffrent way, he's like.... the person that u just luv 2 flirt w. and could have a fun relationship w/. but i dont want that from him. i would want 2 luv him, and yet i dont. it feels as though i can bcuz i've been hurt way too many times. and in a way i dont want 2 luv him, i want 2 b like.... idk. but it doesnt seem right. there's nothing bad about him. but he's diffrent around me. and about me. and i just dont know exactly where everything is w/ us. it's extremely peculiar.

not 2 mention i havent broken up w/ angel yet. but hey, i'm SO going 2........... ass hole
my brother said he was gonna put a brick through his head. = ) that makes me happy........... that my brother loves me that much. hehe

well, that's pretty much it, not much....,.

>=P,
Elaine

A Dream- what future?

2005-05-14T10:24:00.000-07:00

lemme tell ya'll about a very wierd day dream i had 2day

ok, so it was sunday, and angel didnt come and c me. i went outside and i wrote a note. a suicide note. then angel came up right after i sliced my writst. he said hi, wussup. and i said back, "i love you" he looked kinda confused- like, then he said "i love u 2" but u could tell he wasnt xpecting me 2 just go out and say that. then i was like "maB u and Sadey'll b happy, and maB i'm over reacting" he got upset and was like "by" and so i waved, showing him the blood running down my arm from my vein. he was like "what the hell" and i said "no1 can make me cry, make me laugh- make me smile or drive me mad like u do" wich r the lyrics 2 his favorite song- "I Lost It" by kenny chesney. then, apparently my suicide notes were gonna b read 2 the certain ppl at the slam.... by my own request. so every1 i left a message 4 went into the slam 1st. meet wasnt gonna go in... and mrs poe said he didnt have 2 stay, but he had 2 go 2 the 1st part, and she held every 1 but Megan, Rachel, and Meet... she said "i know all of u know Carrie Becker- well on Sunday she ended her life. she committed suicide and she left messages 4 all of u." i saw a vision of Rachel crying, she was the 1st one 2, then Meet, and Megan was just in utter awe. i never saw the messages i sent them. i know that i told angel that i couldn't live w/ knowing that the man i love doesnt love me back, and Ronny Mitchel that i'm sorry i couldnt love him. o yeah, and meet that we could neer work out, and 2 take care of Rachel and every1, i dont intend 2 c u netime soon. throught the thing i constantly pictured tears running down Rachel's eyes... and also, megan looking utterly depressed and shocked and such. over the intercom they announced that ne1 who knew me would b permitted 2 wear their mourning cloths in my memory, announced my death date, said that kinda junk. and then lauren decl.... um.... however u spell her last name.... neways, poser was talking shet about how she's glad i'm dead. and either she got told off by ashley or kp broke up w/ her. and kobi got a letter in the mail in a black envelope saying my note 2 her... that suks... i hope i dont have ne more daydreams like that, cuz i was about 2 c what rach's note said and i dont think i wanna.................. death suks..... well i g2g help fold laundry (DAMNIT)

The Smile Fading Off My Face

2005-05-10T18:44:00.000-07:00

I lie in the pool of the scarlet sunset and i feel the burn slowly becoming cool to my skin. I see flames shooting before my eyes and i fail to care, i always care, i cannot care. But I do, this i just cannot admit. All i can think of are my pictures of yesterdays, so long ago i had stopped to smell the sweet scent of the spring flowers, cool and blue and soft to the touch of courious noses. And the spring died with the sunset of yesterdays past. as will my dreams perish aflame tonight when i have no sky to keep my thoughts, the sun will carry away my heart, dreams, hope and all thoughts of a tommorrow that is worth living. Yes, i killed the flower, but only so that no person could ever be betrayed by the sweetness i had once grown attatched to, i was so broken as it failed to continue to capture my attention. and i saw it as black and dead, when you find a place to hold your thoughts that place always fades, and with them do the dreams in yesterday you made........ so today i cry and my tears wash away the indigo stains on the grass, but the smile on my face.....

____________________________________________________________________

a poem that i just thought i would post, well, i kinda just now wrote it but wutever.... i honestly care SO MUCH! (With sarcasm towards the time of writing and a serious tone in reference to the poem) aint that nice? = ( i\m so fucking sad.... i dont even have a good REASON and yet i am so miserable i could just roll over and die.... *sighs* aint that a bitch? o well, life suks, it's not my fault. yeah, i know "it's not my fault it's not my fault it's not my fault" bull shit, i know perfectly well that it's my fault... BUT ATLEAST I CAN ADMIT IT (when i damn well plz 2!) ok, here's the things that ARE my fault

I excersize my moods, i h8 life, i have bad grades, i listen 2 music 2 much, i hang out w/ 2 many boys, i have a short temper w/ my family, i wear inapropriate cloths when at all possible, i have shitty spelling, i try 2 understand things all too much.... and many MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY more

but heres some things that ARENT MY FAULT

i have moods 2 excersize, my teachor (mrs. pedro) h's my fucking guts, i tend 2 EZily fall in love, i love hanging out w/ awesome teachors, my family is...... them, my mom wont get me the cloths i would enjoy wearing, i like understanding things, and once again MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

o well, 4 the sake of my sanity it's better 2 just say it aint my fault, it's not my fault! *sighs* i guess it's not all my fault *caugh caugh* u c, although i CLAIM that it aint my fault, i honestly blame every detail of my life on myself... not trying 2 CHANGE, but just wollow in my misery, and that's also my own fault.............. every thing's my fault, everything

Just Another Update

2005-05-09T08:18:00.000-07:00

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, ummm, ok then

neway, "y have u 4saken me, in your I's 4saken me, in u'r thoughts 4saken me, in u'r heart 4saken me, o, trust in my self ritious suicide, i cry when angels deserve 2 die in my self ritious suicide, i cry, when angels deserve 2 dieeeee......." now that i've posted that little bit of unneeded lyrics form chop suey... I HATE LIFE! What's new? well, i'm finally allowed 2 c angel!!!!! : ) although i havent yet........ i'm kinda worried, cuz he hasnt written 2 me, he hasnt rode his bike past my house, he hasn been 2 sam's house, he just disapeared.... what if he's over me? and he just thinks i'm a bother, and he wants 2 break up w/ me? maB it's the paranoid side talking, that happens a lot.... but.... WHAT IF HE DOESNT LIKE ME LIKE THAT NEMORE? i mean, i havent seen him in 2 weeks.... was he thinking of me as much as i was thinking of him? or did he up and 4get? do i think of him TOO much? is that bad? he's the man of my dreams as much as i h8 2 post it... i know my friends dont really like him.... it's not their fault, i can c y they worry... i tend 2 fall head over heal 4 guys, and then my heart just ends up getting broke... is Angel the same of does he really love me too? i dont think i can take another heart break... and i'm not refering specifically 2 heart breaks over guys, it's so much more then that. i've been wondering a lot about death and such l8ly.... i dont even have 2 ask, i know that's bad..... is it justified? it's not my fault.... it's jsut not my fault......... i realize that since the beginning of this year i have grown more corrupted then last year and the year b4... i feel the obligation 2 live not 4 my pleasure, but so that i may dwell in depression and try 2 pick up the missing pieces of my life and of my heart..... it's not my fault.... nobody can understand it..... y cant ne1 get it? even Julie said she didnt need 2 corrupt me, cuz aparently i'm fucked up enough.... not using her words when i say that but hey... everything's so wrong.......... so messed up.......... so not my fault.............

*sigh*

What's Been Up

2005-05-02T19:51:00.000-07:00

I still feel like a thousand emotional pieces. it suks. but i've taken a break from SOAD for the first time since my bro put it on the other day, proud of me? dont b- i've moved on to Manson, so...lol....yeah. that. i've been so upset l8ly. i've enjoyed talking to my Mills friends more then usual. a shame that Mrs. Bobby will suspend me from the bus if i walk there again. *sighs* :(
that suks. but whatever. w/out that i'll just have to email ppl. i havent talked to Ari in a LONG time, since march i think. that's too bad, ari's kool. i wish i knew her a bit better, i wish that 4 all my friends that r older then me.

"the beautiful ppl the beautiful ppl...."

yeah, neways, yall know i have my moments.

*moan* i h8 my life. is it reeeealy worth living all that much? i mean really.... it's a world full of barbies and kens and the wannab's minus of course ppl that r "goth" "punk" "freaks" wutever u wanna call REAL ppl. i think ima call preps barbies... just cuz it seems better suiting to life. fake smiles and wishing i were made of plastic and thrown and forgotten in an old toy chess. well, i guess i'll update l8er. i always do. typing calms me down, gives me something to do. and keeps my mind occupied, all crap like that.

l8er, Elaine

Hey ya'll

2005-05-01T17:39:00.000-07:00

I feel like i should b passed out on a floor someplace. idk y, well yes i do. i feel horrible every day that i wake up, and i'm emotionally destressed and twisted. how about u? I havent written in my book in 4ever so i think i'll pick that back up 2night. i otta post some of it, so here is jsut a bit from the 1st page.

One of the things I love, watching the world pass me by. I like to watch kids laugh in the park, and I like to see couples holding hands as they stair deeply into each others eyes. Those moments just seem to last forever. It's just great looking at the better part of the world. So peacefull, so serene, as if it reflects the whole world over again; when I see it - it's like I'm seeing the world as I saw it when i was youthful and full of jubilance so long ago....

yeah, that's just a bit...

have u ever felt like some1 took a baseball bat and beat your chest in a thousand times, and took a knife, stabbing your soul untill your physical being showed a hundred still bleeding scars? well i do. it's not even kool.....................

well, i guess i'll keep this updated, ttyl *sighs and aches*

-Elaine

How My Life Is

2005-04-30T15:22:00.000-07:00

Hey, well, I'm bored. this is how my life is so far

i feel sick to my stomach, wich is full, wich sucks

i'm h8ing life and my pride, self asteem, and heart are broken

life sucks. prd. and i have nothing else to say

i think i'll post some lyrics. just cuz they're kool

from the way that you acted
to the way that I felt it
It wasn't worth my time
and now it's sad cause all I missed
wasn't that good to begin with
and now I've started you begging
saying things that you don't mean
it isn't worth my time
a line's a dime a million times
and I'm about to see all of them
Goodbye to you
you're taking up my time
you call my name when I wake up
to see things go your way
i'm coughing up my time
each drag's a drop of blood a grain
a minute of my life
it's all I've got just to stay down
why the fuck am I still down
I'm hoarding all thats mine
each time I let just one slip by
I'm wasting what is mine[x2]
I'm about to see a million things
I thought I'd never see before
And I'm
I'm about to do all of the things i dreamed of
And i dont even miss you at all
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to youyou're
taking up my time
by The Used, this song is called Bulimic. it's funny cuz i never herd this song b4, i just found it on www.lyricsondemand.com when i looked up the used. i was gonna put other lyrics on this, but i saw these instead. just cuz i've been thinkin a lot about eating disorders. truth is i dont have annereic nervosa. 2 b that, i would have to lose 15-60% of my body wieght. when i dont eat, I'm NOS, (not otherwise specified- as bulimia nervosa anorexia nervosa or binge eating disorder) cuz i dont binge eat and i dont binge and purge, 2 b diagnosed as bulimic u have to have done this 4 like more then 2 months or something or another, and lastly i'm still average wieght and haven't starved myself to the brink of like, fainting or nething... so technically i'm not nething. i mean, i 8 2day and yesterday, and crap, u know? and that's only cuz of my friends... if they hadnt then.... yeah. i mean, i know that Julie and Stuart and them dont CARE cuz they're not my friends, well i mean i dont dilike thm, but u knwo what i mean. they're older and i'm just a Fuller kid and crap... yeeeeeeeeeaaaaahhhhh. neways, it was pretty much Rachel that made me eat, and other ppl. but mostly Rach. wutever, i'm in a mood. purging right now doesnt sound like the worse idea in the world................... i wont i wont, i know, bad thought, but still./ it's not my fault i was borne like that. o well, u know the whole deal, nothing is ever u'r fault.........

Psycho, groupie, cocaine, crazyPsycho, groupie, cocaine, crazyPsycho groupie cocaine crazyPsycho groupie coke,Makes you high, makes you hide,Makes you really want to go:...stop!Psycho groupie cocaine crazyPsycho groupie coke,Makes you high, makes you hide,Do you really want to think and stop,Stop your eyes from flowing,Psycho, groupie, cocaine, crazyPsycho groupie cocaine crazyPsycho groupie coke,Makes you high, makes you hide,Makes you really want to go - stop.Psycho groupie cocaine crazyPsycho groupie coke,Makes you high, makes you hide,Do you really want to think and stop,Stop your eyes from flowing outSo you want the world to stop,Stop in and watch your body fully drop,From the time you were aPsycho, groupie, cocaine, crazySo you want to see the show,You really don't have to be a hoeFrom the time you were aPsycho, groupie, cocaine, crazyPsycho groupie, cocaine crazyPsycho groupie coke,Makes you high, makes you hide,Makes you really want to go - stop.Psycho groupie cocaine crazyPsycho groupie coke,Makes you high, makes you hide,Do you really want to think and stop,Stop your eyes from flowing outSo you want the world to stop,Rushing to watch your spirit fully drop,From the time you were aPsycho, groupie, cocaine, crazy!!!!So you want to see the show,You really don't have to be a hoeFrom the time you were aPsycho, groupie, cocaine, crazy...

A blog 4 ya'll

2005-04-30T15:18:00.000-07:00

i'm gonna post some crap on this blog as well, how the mood is, how life is going, and usually some passages from my book, Picking Lies From The Cherry Tree.